The girl I told you about before...the one who couldn't move forward and couldn't move back?

She's still here, and still scared out of her mind.

I'm not sure if things are getting better or not. Maybe it's only my imagination, but there seem to be some pretty bright days mixed in with the usual crappy ones. I've been having a rough time of it lately, but I think it's just been the Week From Hell. Other people in my life have been feeling it too, so I don't think I'm totally crazy.

I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life, or how I'm going to survive married life if I don't have a better job. My finances are fairly shot to shit, courtesy of myself and 'retail therapy', but it's not so bad that I can't get it under control if I apply myself.

Pat thought that maybe I could go to art school and get a business minor, which would leave me with at least some jobs to choose from. I think I could maybe get the art major and business minor now, and go back for a teaching certificate later.

Because, that's what I really want to do. I want to make stuff. If I could find a way to make stuff all day and get paid for it, I'd be happier than a pig in shit, not to put too fine a point on it.

I'm just still having a lot of doubts, I guess. I can't draw a lick, and I haven't been 'seriously' interested in art since I could walk...what will the other people in my classes think of me? What if I can't pass the classes? What if I get there and choke and the whole cycle repeats itself again? I don't think I can go through that again. I can't be a failure anymore.

I have to be SURE, this time. If I go running off and change my major to something most people consider 'fluff', like a theater major, how much more of a doofus will I be when I crash and burn? A giant, scaly, fire-breathing, kiddie-squashing, omg-it's-eating-Tokyo doofus. That's what.

The law of averages says I've got to succeed at something, sooner or later. Why can't it be this?